Parents who are separated or thinking about separating
There is a lot to consider when you are thinking about separating. Most important is how the new arrangements will affect your children, you and your child’s other parent.
It is almost always in a child’s best interest to have contact with both their parents. It is important that you don’t try to punish your ex-partner by trying to stop them seeing their children, unless of course there are safety concerns.
Making decisions that work for the whole family
You are likely to be feeling strong emotions and it may be hard not to let these affect your choices and decision making.
A good place to help you think more clearly about how separating might affect your family is on the Click Relationships site. You can create an account and use their online tools to help you during and after your separation and in making arrangements for your children.
It gives you the chance to think through the practical arrangements you’ll need to make and will help you stay focused on making decisions that are in the best interests of your children.
Their parenting plan can be used by both you and your child’s other parent to come to agreements without needing to go through the court system.
It also has advice on how to reassure your children, who are likely to be feeling upset and anxious, and take some time to really listen to them about what they need.
When things get difficult
If you and your ex-partner are struggling to communicate or finding it difficult to meet up with each other then there are things you can do, to help reduce the impact on your children.
- Ask somebody neutral to help with handovers
- Ask for handovers to take place away from the home address
- Ask for communication to be kept to discussing arrangements for your children
- Only using text messages to communicate with each other
As well as the advice on the Click Relationships site there are also some useful pointers and advice on the Your child arrangements aren’t working page from Citizen’s Advice.
Safety concerns
If you are worried that your children are not safe with your ex-partner or other family member(s), it is your job to protect them. Things you can do include:
- Stopping your children from seeing your ex-partner, or other family members, where there is a risk to your child’s safety
- Contact children’s services at your local council if you feel you aren’t able to protect your child or you need extra support or advice to keep them safe
Click on your local authority badge at the bottom of this page for your local children’s services contact number.
Remember, parental conflict is not domestic abuse. As a general guide, your relationship with your partner, ex-partner or a member of your family is considered abusive if:
- they want to hold all the power and control
- you are fearful of them
- their abuse has happened more than once, or there is a pattern to their abuse
Helpful websites
AdviceNow: Divorce and separation
Find survival guides on the issues you need to understand when separating or getting divorced.
Family justice professionals work to resolve family issues in a constructive way that considers the needs of the whole family.
Family Lives: Splitting up or staying together
Advice on whether to split up or stay together.
Help for when you decide to separate with your partner.
Gov.uk: Separating or divorcing – what you need to do
Government advice on sorting out the legal side of separation.
Is less stressful than going to court and is usually quicker and cheaper.
Voices in The Middle (for parents)
Has helpful information about how to talk to teenagers about divorce or separation.
Offers free, safe and anonymous mental wellbeing support for adults across the UK. There are a variety of anonymous support options to meet your needs including online messaging, booked and drop-in chat, therapeutic content, community support and personal development tools.
For more information on getting help in your local area, click on your local authority badge below to see what they offer.